Lists

Hey dudes. Last week I had a chance to get re-acquainted with one of my all-time favorite pointless endeavors: donning a pair of headphones and zoning out while spending an hour in a Fred Meyer store trying to find a tube of caulk and a few other sundries. Man, it was fun, and there sure is a lot of zany crap for sale in that store.

One of my best exploits in consumerism was back in college, when I went to Safeway and purchased a lighter, a forty, some condoms, and a few little army dude toys. I think I may have also picked up a 4x4 magazine or something ... I'm not sure. Regardless, that was one shopping list that shouted "word to your mother" loudly and proudly.

Fred Meyer, however, has even more zany crap than Safeway, and as I wandered the aisles I mentally constructed the following awesome shopping list of Fred Meyer purchasables:

- Beer
- Hacksaw
- Band-aids
- Condoms
- Diapers
- Crowbar
- Duct tape
- Cap'n Crunch
- Butter
- Extreme teriyaki meat snacks
- A garden hose
- A douche
- A copy of "The Purpose Driven Life"
- 600 blank CDs
- Fresh underpants
- Some kind of suppository
- Denture adhesive
- A hammer
- Bubble bath
- Gigantic sack of refined sugar
- One dozen packets of morning glory seeds
- Athletic socks
- Garden trowel
- One pound of nutmeg
- Fifteen boxes cough syrup

There is some overlap with my great Safeway trip from years back, but that's to be expected. The fact that you could actually walk into a Fred Meyer and purchase all these things in one trip to one store causes my heart to swell with pride. America is fucking awesome.

If I had more spare time on my hands it would be interesting to see what sort of look I'd get while purchasing/returning all of these items. Unfortunately, though, I'm a very busy man, and in a hilarious twist the many hours that I spend on any given day mentally constructing and refining lists such as this actually preclude my going out and purchasing items from said lists.

Anyway. That's all for today.

-Mike